Men and Women, Sex and Love

Sex and love -- or should it be the other way around?
The first time I wrote the title to this article it was phrased "Love and Sex." But we should all know by now that it takes a long time to develop a relationship into one of true love whereas a willing partner is generally the only prerequisite to having sex.
Unfortunately, the way men and women view sex as well as their corresponding feelings of what constitutes love often causes a great deal of confusion and pain for everyone involved.

Men and Sex (and Love)

If we are to believe the hype, men like sex almost more than they like money. They think about sex all the time. They want as much sex as they can get. They can never get enough sex.

It's okay for men to think about sex all the time. It's a macho thing. It's a man thing. If they didn't act as though they were thinking about sex all the time, they might be looked upon as less than manly, perhaps even gay.

In other words, men have an obligation to think about sex all the time or at least say they are. Many men judge each other by their sexual conquests as well as their financial accomplishments.

A man never stops being measured by his sexual activity. In many "highly cultured" societies, a young female is a measure of an older man's sexual prowess. Who wouldn't be impressed when reading that a 72-year old's 20-year old wife has just given birth? Probably not his older ex-wife.

Is there too much emphasis on a man's need for sex? Probably. But let's consider for a moment Bill Clinton.

Do we dislike the man because he had sex with a woman much younger than his wife? No, that shows his virility.

Do we dislike him because he broke his marriage vows? Well, yes, but if he didn't, how could he possibly have expressed his manliness?

Do we dislike him because he lied about the sex? Possibly, but wasn't he just doing what so many other men do when they meet a woman they choose not to resist?

It would seem Mr. Clinton's biggest mistake was thinking that as the President of the United States he could have the same privileges as other men in the office have had before him. And so he did. Except he got caught.

NEXT: Men and Love (and Sex)

Men and Love (and Sex)
As much as men like sex, they have a problem with some women who may share the same sexual appetites. It's okay for their non-serious girlfriend or their paid escort to be super charged, but everyone knows those women couldn't possibly be someone's mother, or sister, or wife.
When it comes to love, a man wants his mate to be pure as the driven snow or as close to white as possible. He doesn't want to think of her "doing it" with anyone else.

A man wants to enjoy sex, but he has mixed feelings when his wife has a lusty sexual appetite. Is she loose? What kind of reputation does she have? Are there men he doesn't know (or may know) who think he's a fool for marrying her?

He wants to be her first and her only. But this brings up a rather peculiar predicament. While it's okay for a guy growing up to lay every girl in sight in order to develop into the suave, sophisticated, experienced man he is, what about those same girls when they finally meet a man who is interested in marriage to a "nice girl"?

If all the young women said "no," what would happen to the sexual education of young men?

This quote from a young man seeking advice on my FRIENDS and Lovers website may give voice to what many men secretly feel, albeit they may not be quite so obsessed with female virginity nor so outspoken.

He says "...I am a 23 year old virgin male. It is by choice and not for any other reason (like I can't get any). I just graduated from college and basically didn't date (again, believe it or not, by choice). I am a very focused person and have strong feelings about my education. Besides, I was so busy that I didn't have the time that women need and that I would like to give them...

Weeks after my graduation I met someone. I was the pursuer. She was very friendly and was easy to talk to. So, after knowing her for about one month, I asked her out. We had a great time...and we have ever since. What I'm saying is that my focus has changed. I'm ready now, after my years at college, to get serious. We hit it off like I can't even explain. We are the exact same person...almost.

Like I said before, I'm a virgin. She is not. She is 29 years old and I guess it's not a surprise that she isn't a virgin. We have been together for 7 months and our relationship is absolutely perfect!

I just want to be different, but I can't help thinking of the other guys she has been with. If 'we' work out, will I be compared? Does she have any diseases? Will it be special to her? Am I different than the others? I have asked her those questions and she has given answers that are satisfactory. All of her relationships have been long-term monogamous ones.

To tell you the truth, it eats away at me to think that she was with someone else (more than one). It actually makes me physically ill. I have always wanted to share that most intimate experience with another like myself. To learn together is a dream of mine. In fact, it was virtually at the top of 'the list'. I think about it all the time...

Everything she has done, everything that has happened to her and all her experiences have resulted in exactly who and what she now is. That's the problem! I realize these experiences are what have caused her to appreciate me so much. She has had a sexual past. It may sound insensitive, but to me, if I share my life with someone who has had a sexual past... it's left-overs! After all those jerks use her for that (and most do use women for that), I get the left-overs. I don't want that..."

And, here is a quote from How to Flirt With a Man on the Net:

"1. MEN HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS Many men have a version of the ideal woman they could take home to mom -- and another fantasy woman they'd like to take home to bed. Which role do you want to play? Get clear about this because each game has a different set of rules. Ironically, the game plan for success in one area can be a disaster in the other. To make matters more complicated, men want you to play one role perfectly at night (in private) and another (publicly) by the light of day."

NEXT: Men and Sex and Love

Men and Sex and Love
Men don't confuse sex with love. Women do. Men don't understand that most women consider sex to be a part and parcel of love, even if they have just recently met a man.
While most men feel no obligation of commitment after a few rounds of sex with a new girlfriend, she is probably thinking of names for their future children. She believed him when he said "I love you."

I'm not sure there will ever come a time when men and women will think about sex and love the same way at the same time although it certainly would make for less complications if it ever could happen.

Take care of yourself.